Where Can You Go, While You Worry About Going

First, As in an old John Wayne movie I once saw. His main expressive one liner was LET'S SADDLE UP! Now that this is out of the way of course we are not seriously thinking of heading deep into desert territory with our Palomino Chico and a four barrel shotgun! How easy was that to just get up and gallop out into the sunset. No direction, and no clean duds to pack. At least that is the perspective of how it is filmed.
Primarily in today's world reality is traffic congestion no matter where you go. You worry about driving the freeways, checking in at the airports, being bodily scanned for anything the detector might trigger. Insulin paraphernalia, pacemaker, your underwire bra, syringes for botox and your Gucci bag decorated with studded bullets. The more you think about it the more you worry about going. Especially if you live in Southern California, checking into the Bevery Hills Hotel. Your finest leather luggage packed with Melrose Avenue boutique finery. Nordstrom's finest apparel for sunbathing, and some of the facial scrubs and cosmetics. So far, the cost at the reservation desk checking in has almost left you penniless. Not to worry because you can still wander around Disneyland all day and night for $80.00 per person. Where can you get that kind of entertainment for that price? Of course this does not include the magic rides, and your cost of food - A hamburger at a small price of 12.50 and a drink is 3.00 for a small coke! Now don't worry about lunch or dinner the prices do not get discounted during the day! Just remember to keep walking or you will get trampled on. No seating either, all the benches which aren't many are taken. Its tiring and consuming hanging out all day and into the night, then almost when you wonder why you worried so much, along comes Mickey Mouse and grabs you by the arm like you have been busted for raiding the bird feeder for food.

Yep, back to the ol roundup. Worry about going when there is no place to go, and then worry.

Coffee and chit chat

Ahhh, Sunday morning! I never really liked Sundays, ever. Today, I want to talk about hurting someones feelings. I do not deliberatly try and make fun of those who express deep emotional conversations, on the contrary I am very sympathetic toward the suffering they may be going thru. I understand why people go to a therapist a stranger and pour their hearts out. They really dont give a damn about anyone. Its a profession and they will listen as long as the money holds out. If you find a good one, hang on for dear life they are few and far between. Its like digging in the trash and you may come across a good find.
I have been around a long time, my experience is very much on hand and the cross roads were just that. I do not give advice, I just say what I mean. Its just that most people either wont accept truth or are never really ready to make any changes, ever. And no one soul of a person sees the same thing in the same way. As in, Wow! I never looked at it that way. You may not like me for showing you that, but you will look at it differently. I rarely apologize for saying something I shouldnt have. Its already been said! The change will come from you.

Living your lies

And there are always one lie to balance another lie. We think, express our thoughts and most of all try to be honest with ones self. Unfortunatly, there are those that have no sense of honor and you must tread lightly. Especially if you bump into their blog stations! Their senstivity is their personality and although it may be the quad of a suspicious nature it is what drives them in circles. Unable to see the gray area in any given situation while it can only be black and white. They can cycle a lifetime and never want to see truth. Truth in why or how they feel the way they do. Looking and hoping for reasons they will never find because they are not open to discussions. Case closed! Why not serve meat for dinner, Im not a vegetarian! I am never dissapointed in what I hear, however, I am saddened that a person is permitted to live a life of lies. To be of no value to anyone who is in pain. To absolutely conjure up lies to make themselves look swell. Ignoring all truths so they will never have to answer for anything. They are good at what they do to. Look at you with a pan face and lie to you. As if you are a moron and do not know what ingredients you missed. Yes! Nothing worse than a habitual liar. A murderer kills, but a liar keeps you alive with venom. It shrieks misery and feels nothing. Never a thought given that their lies may hurt the truths of another. They really dont give a crap unless it backfires on them. But they are so good in what they do even if caught in a lie they lie to cover the lie, etc. etc.

No Clues

I am having a hard time developing just what it is I want to write about. I think to much about it. In the past, I was able to direct myself and the subject value of composing was about someone else. Having met this hands on capability of exposing who I am, what and why I am thinking in a particular way makes me cautious of my words. So, with this in mind I shall plod forward as an old mule. Stubborn in my ways and not having a direction.

I'll think of something. In the meantime I am floundering and my cat is walking across the pathways between the keyboard, the mouse and settling smack in front of the monitor. His bright blue eyes set staring at me and I am distracted.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, says joyce

Attempting to Quit

Since this has become a huge issue to my health, to quit smoking seems reasonable. Now why would someone who has emphysema even consider committing to cessation of cigarettes?
I travel for 1 1/2 hrs to get to my Pulmonary doctors only to have them tell me in the best interest of breathing capacity would be to STOP now! In fact, for a more honest documentary would be to say this has been going on for the past five years. I realize, I impact the non smokers lungs with the inhalation of my second hand smoke. Thereby, they would die of Lung Cancer and I would consider myself a lucky person. The luck of the draw. So, Why cant I make this commitment for myself and the health of others? I'm weak, I don't understand, I am ignorant. Which is it? I ask myself every day. Is this like a death sentence? Will I perhaps go suicidal? My! sounds like an awful lot of frustration here? At least I can say it out loud and that may be a step forward. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

The Underground

Is there really an underground? Is this the place you hide to be alone?
Sometimes I want to pull the telephone plug right from the wall. I need the vastness of space within my territory and no one to question my tantrums. They are mine alone, I created them because I do not have a gift to control what is around me. When someone says, only you can change things is unremarkable it can be as stable and motionless as a slab of concrete. Do not jump into my world like a salivating monkey. Now if you were invited, and I was gracious of your motivations, because we all are motivated in some way we could have a wonderful playday. My days are not very frivilous and I spend a lot of time writing. Interruptions bother me and I consider myself busy for nonsensical conversations. However, I can be quite the humorist when I am in my special self. I can roll with the best of them. There is no stopping me I can be a dazzling diamond, though not an addict, or an alcoholic. My drinking is as comical as two strikes, youre out! Im a natural, I just cant see drinking or getting high to have fun. Thats me, I dont need to. However, in the life I conjured up for myself, while I believe we all have a vice of steadiness in kind. My will is to handicap the ponies exclusively to the oval circuits ending the dynamics of the limitless bankroll. Each day ends with, tomorrow and tomorrow. I sometimes wonder which could be worse, the junkie, the alcoholic or no vices in service.

Starting Somewhere

I love my cat. He is a Siamese. And I have spoiled him because he deserves it. He loves me so much and I love him. He is the only one in the whole world I share my breakfast cereal with.